The Canyon Man And His Fight Against Modern Technology

For the vast majority of people these days, the ways in which modern technology has made their lives more comfortable is taken almost for granted. Even those famous haters-of-all-things-technological, the Amish, or looking at shooing their horses with newfangled horseshoes that promise to deliver at least 50 miles from a bag of horse oats, at minimum.

And this is where the fabled ‘Canyon Man’ will need to make some serious adjustments. Everybody has one of these guys in the neighborhood. On Sunday mornings he’s usually out working under the hood of his 35-year-old vehicle that spews out a cloud of blue smoke whenever it’s turned on, but this guy will never trade it in or buy a new car, unfortunately.

Indeed, he’s running around with a leather watch band and an old analog watch that was a gift to him from his father when he graduated from elementary school back when Lyndon Johnson was running the show down in Washington DC. And it’s not all about nostalgia or his father, either; this guy really doesn’t know what to do with a digital watch and would probably run in horror from it if you got him one.

In addition, Mr. Canyon Man can’t bear the thought of giving up that beloved television of his. Everybody knows what it looks like, and the chances are fairly high that the wood the console was made of came off some sailing ship that went down off the Carolina coast during the War of 1812 or thereabouts. The picture tube crackles and hisses, but Canyon Man loves it with a passion bordering on something resembling what Rasputin the Mad Monk demonstrated on occasion.

For those considering tying Canyon Man down and gifting him with a custom LCD TV, forget about it. Not only wouldn’t he even come close to touching it, but he probably would go into a catatonic trance if he heard the words ‘digital video disc player.’ At a minimum, he would go frothy-mouthed with rage at being forced to watch even a video cassette, not that he could probably announce the word anyway.

What will Canyon Man do when he realizes that the television he owns can no longer pick up signals without the benefit of something called a ‘digital converter box?’ He may just pass out after hearing the words ‘digital converter box, ‘ in fact. He probably would also suffer a fatal cardiac event if he heard ‘liquid crystal display’ and how it’s lit through means of LED backlight technologies. It’ll be just too much for him and his brain, unfortunately.

The question, then about whether or not modern technology will overwhelm the Canyon Man is an important one, if not for him than for the rest of us who have to put up with him and his obstinate refusal to get out of those disco bellbottoms and get with the real world. The blue smoke from the car is bad enough, but the wide-collared shirts and leisure suits are going to need to go.

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